PEREZ AND THE PAPARRAZZI
by seyheystevierey
Summary: A Drunk,A Punk,and a Family in a Funk
1. Chapter 1

**PEREZ AND THE PAPARRAZZI**

Just a little fun at someone else's expense for a change.

Since I don't own any SON characters I won't be asking

For anything more than feedback, humorous ideas or just

A hidey ho neighbor. So saddle up your rocking horses and

Let's see where this ride takes us.

Oh and here is a little something to let you know where and when we are. This story takes place about five and a half to six years after Spencer graduates High School. She has successfully finished her four years of college and is a working filmographer. (If that's not a word it should be.) Ashley on the other hand had a hard time trying to play nice with the other folks at various record labels so she started her own company called what else? NOT INTO LABELS. We all know where that comes from but if you remember when Madison was going through her songs and we find out that Ashley is diverse in her musical talent so her company is not restricted to any one type of music.

That's enough for now.

**EAST L.A. COUNTY**

**SNAP!**

**Flash!**

**Stupid question!**

When Ashley stepped out of the door of the rehab facility she was assaulted by flashbulbs and idiotic questions. She could have raised her guitar case to block more of the shots but the damage was done. Fortunately for the harassing throng that seemed to appear from nowhere she had her sunglasses on or else the daggers she was shooting from her eyes would have caused some major damage.

She silently walked to her car and did her best to ignore them.

**Snap!**

**Flash!**

**Stupid question!**

Earlier that day Ashley had come to this facility to do a Question and answer with a group of teenagers and just hang out. As much as she liked to think that she was actually helping people by sharing herself, she always came away with a good feeling just knowing that she tried.

**Snap!**

**Flash!**

**Stupid question!**

Her initial surprise was that they were even here to start with. This particular rehab facility was a Physical therapy center in the eastern part of L.A. far from Hollywood.

A member of her staff has a younger sister who had been in a car wreck a few months earlier and her prognosis was not very hopeful at first, but after a series of surgeries and strong determination she was doing much better. Her recovery was slow but they expected a bright future.

Snap! Flash! Stupid question!

Just a little further and she will be in the safety of her car. Although she can afford to hire a driver and actually has a service on call, Ashley liked to drive herself as much as possible. She popped the hatch with her keyless entry and stowed her guitar.

**Snap!**

**Flash!**

**Stupid questions!**

She walked around to her door and before she got in she struck a pose. Then she said:

"If you guys would take a shower now and then and quit asking such STUPID questions you might get a little cooperation."

And then with a smile and a wave she was in her car and out of there.

Ashley drove away from there wit mixed emotions. She wasn't going to let a bunch of foul smelling idiots with cameras ruin her day with a group of special kids. At least they didn't get caught up in all that.

Usually she would be able to share those good feelings with Spencer at the end of the day but Spencer was not due back from a background shoot for another couple of days.

Oh well, we'll talk about it on the phone tonight she thought. I mean what's the worst that could happen.

Some pictures end up with those greasy haired losers on TMZ or Perez the Perv will blog about it. He might be the Queen of All Media but he will never be Miss California. HAHAHA.

I mean seriously folks; just because you win a typing contest in Middle School doesn't make you the Queen of any thing!

**A little feed back would be nice and if coach Kim is out there how's about a little shout to let me know your ok out there.**

**TBC**


	2. Chapter 2

**Butt Humpin' Bill**

I would like to thank the hundreds of people who

Checked out this little rant. Also, I am going to list by

Name three people who had the incredible good sense

To subscribe:

Hispanic- Nomad

Bandie 3635

NeverWith

Thank you and I hope not to disappoint.

**Two weeks later**

Ashley woke up to find herself alone in bed. That in itself was no surprise because Spencer was usually the first one up anyways. What was surprising to her was her good mood so early. There was nothing on her calendar that was pressing or exciting but as she was growing older and learning how to redirect her energy into a positive flow she realized that she really did look forward to the new day.

Streeeeeeeetcch.

Yaaaaaaaaawwwwn.

Pout.

There was no real reason for the pout but Ashley wasn't sure if she wanted to get up yet or not. She heard quiet laughter filter through the loft and decided to go ahead and start her day.

After a trip to the bathroom she made her way to the kitchen where Spencer and Kyla where having coffee.

"What are you two hens cackling about?" she asked

"Well good morning to you too sunshine, what are you doing up so early?" Kyla asked

Ashley took a mock fainting position with the back of her hand on her forehead and said,

"Sleep deserted me when my reason for living left the room" she said in a breathy voice directed at Spencer

"Aww, Aren't you sweet this morning Ash" Spencer said as Ashley gave her a hug from behind.

"I am sweet every morning sweetheart, You are just not always there to feel the sweetness that is me."

"That's not fair and you know it. Although you are getting better at not attempting murder before ten A.M." Spencer shot back. "Some people have to be somewhere before noon."

. "All right you two; let's not start off like this. Ash coffee first, witty banter later" Kyla said laughing.

"And you wonder why I am not a morning person" Ashley grumbled on her way to coffee machine.

"Refills anyone?"

"Please"

"I'm good for now"

"Okay, so before I came in here I hear you guys laughing up a storm and now it's all quiet like I interrupted something. What did I miss?" Ashley asked

"Well if you must know we were sharing an article on the world wide web about a celebrity of sorts. Sometimes it's not what they do but how they say it." Kyla said with a smirk

"I get it. Reading Pervez again are we? I can't stand that little dick smokin' homo. Last week he got into a shouting match with some guy in a band and ended up getting punched out. He went out looking for trouble, insults a bunch of people, gets what he's got coming to him and now he wants to sue them for some ridiculous amount of money

because he is probably late on the rent for his apartment in his Mama's basement. That little prick better not try that with me or I'll punch him out too after all the stuff he said about me." Ashley said getting wound up.

"Sit down and relax Ashley, there will be no homo bashing this morning. And besides; this site that Kyla found has nothing to do with him. At least not yet" she said cryptically. "But you are right about him, his fifteen minutes is about to run out."

"Ash you know what they say about old flames don't you, they burn out. Who around here is a bigger flamer than Hilboy with the exception of Sir Elton? Who of course actually has talent and doesn't have to live off of someone else's. How many people do you think actually go to his blog? There's nothing on there that wasn't on any of the gossip shows the day before. I know he's annoying but you can't win against those assholes. It just takes you down to their level and believe me that's pretty low."

"Now sit back and let little sister read to us from the humor pages of the New York Rimes." Spencer said in her motherly voice.

Kyla made a point to clear her throat in dramatic fashion and when it came to drama that was one class she did rather well in.

"While shopping on Rodeo Drive the other day, who did we run into but none other than our old pal Butt Humpin' Bill Mahr. Bill was shopping for a particular kind of blue dress that would make your ass look fat. We pointed out that no one likes a fat ass in a blue dress but Bill insisted that his inspiration came from none other than accused serial rapist and convicted liar former President Bill Clinton.

Bill or B.M. as we like to call him said he was going to introduce a new segment to his show called Blow a Load on Bill. His first guest will be Monica Lewinski of fat ass blue dress fame. Since B.M. never knows when his show will air or which network is laundering the money for his production company that month we asked for a heads up and he said he would give us head anytime.

We left our friend at the dressing room to try on his selections which were followed by several loud thumping (or in Bill's case humping) noises and a few guttural sounds that that sounded like Bush is stupid, Bush is stupid. Poor Bill, I think he is suffering from enema flashbacks, but that's another story. Stay tuned for more."

As usual Kyla had captivated her audience and had them rolling. Ashley had put her coffee mug on the table and Spencer was holding her hand over her mouth trying not to spit her coffee out.

"Where did you find these guys?" Ashley asked. "I don't think I've ever heard of them before."

"When I was out of town doing my research work one of the tech's came across it at the coffee shop while surfing for an article in the Times. Somehow this came up on the search engine. Nobody seems to know who they are and they don't use names. That guy is called the Road Whore. They are called contributing writers who never go on strike." Spencer said

"She told me about this a couple of days ago and I have been checking them out. They are all over the place" Kyla said closing her laptop. "I made a comment on one of their articles and they sent me a thank you. That doesn't happen very often."

"That's that guy that is always ranting and raving about conspiracy stuff right?" Ashley asked

"Pretty much, Now that the old farts are out of power he started saying the same things about the new guys." Kyla answered back

"He gives me the creeps. Every time I've seen him he sits there and he is licking his lips. It's a wonder he can talk with all that going on." Spencer said

"Well, he got his drooling under control" Kyla said laughing "I guess all that licking is just a by product of that."

"So Spencer, what are you up to today?" Ashley asked

"I'm going over to the university to see if I can find some slave labor for my upcoming shoot. You would be surprised what some people will volunteer for."

"Not after seeing some of the crazy stuff you use to do around Hollywood during film school."

"Hey since you're up why don't you go with me and we can do lunch. I can catch you up on this new project and you can tell me who's hot at the label this week. What's up with you today Kyla?"

"Aiden is picking me up and we are going to the shelter to make sure the trucks get unloaded and then we have the rest of the day free. Maybe we can hook up later" she said

"Call us when you are done. There is a new person performing tonight that I have heard good things about. Maybe we can catch dinner and a show.

**AN:that's all for now folks! Tune in next time when we hear about Chelsey Lately.**

**R and r**


	3. Chapter 3

**Dueling Dildoes**

Thanks to cpunishmentpl . I am going to send

You a mask and a white horse because you are

The Lone Reviewer. By the way this person has

A really good story started called Living the Lie.

You should check it out.

**Later that night**

Ashley and Spencer were snuggled in bed after some really good "I'm glad you're home sex". Spencer had her head on Ashley's chest and her arms around her waist and let out a contented sigh.

Their breathing had returned to normal and it was just the rhythmic in and out of her breath and the soft beating of her heart that filled Spencer's ears at this moment.

Ashley had her arms around Spencer's shoulders with the scent of her shampoo wafting through her nostrils. Ashley never tired of these times with the love of her life. She would close her eyes and breathe her in and let the problems of the world go by. Her feeling of safety and stability was by her side and all was good.

"Hey Ash?" Spencer said softly

"Mmmm.. yea Spence?"

"Can you turn off the light sweetheart?"

"Baby all the lights are off."

"Sometimes I forget that you glow" Spencer said with a smile

"That's my happiness shining through, because I'm so in love with you."

"I missed you too. After all this time you would think being apart would get easier, but I don't think it does."

"It hasn't gotten any easier for me either but I have finally learned to accept the fact that our careers are going to draw us in different directions and somebody around here is going to have to bite the bullet and start acting like an adult. So you're elected. I still like pouting and feeling sorry for myself too much to change right now." Ashley said giving her girlfriend a squeeze.

"Okay, you can lose the poor me act. I said I would like to grow old with you, not grow up. We can hire someone to do the mature stuff. In the meantime I'm going to pay this hard little brown thing that is poking me in the eye some well deserved attention."

The next morning

Ashley laid awake feeling full of herself for a change and decided to get up and make coffee. She eased out from under her girlfriends embrace and left her with a pillow to hug. When she came out of the bathroom Spence was still in bed so she quietly made her way to the kitchen.

She rummaged around finding everything she needed and got the pot of coffee started. While waiting for that to brew, she flipped open the laptop that was in the nook and turned it on. She had no intention of reading any gossip but Kyla chose that moment to swoop in and undermine her efforts. A few quick clicks of the mouse and she had those windows humming.

"Well good morning to you too Kyla" Ashley said as she watched her sister settle in for her morning tabloid surf.

"Sorry Ash but I have to get directions. I have to go to the north end of the county and fill in for one of the supervisors. Something about a sick kid." Kyla said

She grabbed a cup while the printer was doing its job and went back towards her room to get ready.

Ashley filled two mugs and fixed them up and headed back to her and Spencer's bedroom. When she got there she found the bed empty and Spencer in the shower.

"I brought you coffee" she said through the door. "I was hoping you would still be in bed."

"Sorry Ash, but I have to run down to the film school and sort out some interns. There was a scheduling foul-up and the paperwork has to be redone or I get no help."

"Well that's just not right! Here I am up at the crack of eight o'clock, I was going to make Paula Deen's Fancy French Toast with the powdered sugar just the way you like it with grape jelly and Log Cabin Syrup and sausage but nooooooooo! You and Kyla have to rush off."

"Sorry Ash, This came up while you were ever so sweetly making coffee thank you very much and I hate it but this has to be done or else I have to pay these goobers. You know where I would rather be." She said in her sultry Spencer voice. "By the way, this is like two days in a row you're up early; is everything okay?"

"I am Fine. Did I ever tell you that the reason I was never a morning person was because I didn't have to be. I had no reason to get up therefore I didn't. I had fun yesterday and I know it's not an everyday thing with you two in the morning but I like being with you whenever." She said handing Spencer a towel as she stepped out of the shower.

"I'll be in the kitchen. Do you want anything to go?"

"Maybe a go cup and a half of a bagel" Spence answered

"Coming right up miss, drive around to the first window."

"Kyla, do you want something to go?" Ashley yelled to the other side of the loft

"How about a go cup and a half of a bagel?" she yelled back

"Okay"

Making her way back to the kitchen muttering to herself about bitches in a hurry to go she made their orders with a smile and had them ready on the counter.

Kyla was the first to go. She came into the kitchen and said "Thanks Ash that was really sweet of you to do this."

"No problem Sis. Don't get lost."

Ashley was sitting at the table when Spencer walked up behind her and gave her a hug.

"This could be something I could get used to you know, and I don't mean like it was when you used to take me to school. Everything was so rushed it was definitely not quality time. But now I have to depart and parting is such sweet sorrow. Yeah, sweet my ass; sorrow always left a bitter taste in my mouth so I will bid you adieu my love and will see you tonight. Play nice with the vagabonds at the studio and thank you sooo much for the coffee." Spencer said as she left.

"Bye Spence I'll see you tonight. Don't forget, it's spaghetti night."

"I'll get the bread sweetie, see ya'"

And with the closing of the door Ashley was alone.

All righty then, let's see who has answered their e-mail for today's meeting, But first let's see who the Road Whore is ragging on today.

**The New York Rimes**

Contributing writer: Road Whore

Chelsey Handler likes them big and she likes them black. Not to be confused with the Kardasyian sleaze bags, Chelsey actually has some talent and can hold her own with a panel of D- list comics who nobody would know if it weren't for cable shows like I like the Eighty's.

Recently Chelsey showed up sporting a huge shiner. After the credits roll and the Glamour Shot pictures that look like they are ten years old are shown she walked on stage with a huge black eye. Don't get me wrong here, she has her moments but Chelsey looks like she has been the victim of either bad tanning or too much crack.

She spent the better part of five minutes trying to say it was an accident and dismissing it like it was a common occurrence. In her case we can do that because she is so easily dismissed. She is the only one on the fast track to play the lead in the Joan Rivers Story.

About a week later while surfing the hundreds of channels and still not finding any thing worth watching the Chelsey show pops up and there is little Chewy that short little hot Latin lover Holding a big black dildo. And there was a bruise on the side of his face.

Now we know what poked Chelsey in the eye.

A big black nine inch vibrating Obama dong.

Anything for a buck. If Billy Mays hadn't died suddenly he probably would have had that on his list of products to sell.

Just pull it out and wipe it off with the Amazing Sham Wow. Then wash it off with Oxy clean.

Coming to a sex shop near you, batteries not included.

Paybacks a bitch aint it Chewy? You and Chels were probably just having a friendly little sword fight with your matching Obama dongs and something got out of hand.

Dueling Dildoes. Don't you love it?

Can't wait to see that on the Soup. Here's hoping anyways.

Ashley was laughing out loud. Thus answers the age old question about if a tree fell in the woods would any body hear it? Well duugh, the other trees would.

**TBC**


	4. Chapter 4

Camo Pants

Picture if you will a pair of camouflage pants.

Not just any pair of camouflage pants though.

This pair was joined by a pair of ankle boots with

6 inch heels.

Included in this mix is semi-sheer white T-shirt.

And a black leather jacket.

Insert one Spencer Carlin into this outfit wearing a

baseball cap over a short black wig.

She is also wearing dark makeup with aviator sunglasses.

Enter one Chelsea Lewis wearing an identical outfit.

Talk about hot!

This was their costume for Halloween a couple of years back.

Remember this because it will come into play in future chapters.

Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox9oxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoooooooooooooooooooooooooooxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Dear Road Whore,

My sister Kyla said that you guys actually answered your comment section. That is nice considering some of the content of your articles. She turned me on to your site and so far I find it very refreshing that some one actually has the balls to do something like this. Of course I wouldn't want to be on that end of it but I am already a target of the assholes you are presently skewering. I can't get away with what you do but a little payback is always nice. And just to set the record straight for any one who wants to print the truth I had a cold and the pharmacist got my prescription mixed up with someone else's and I had an allergic reaction to codeine. It's all documented but only Paul Harvey tells the rest of the story and I don't think he is interested.

Just thought I would drop you a line and let you know we got a chuckle out of your last few articles. Thanks and keep up the good words.

Ashley D.

After that exhausting effort on her computer Ashley logged off and went into the bedroom to decide what to do next. Like this author she prefers pen and paper but finds it necessary to log in occasionally to pass the word.

She flipped on the TV and what do think was on? Reruns.

Ten thousand channels and all that was on were reruns. She didn't like the morning shows because they were either too political or smarmy. The only person that had any credibility on those shows was the weather man and that was only half of the time.

Deciding a shower was in order she went into the bathroom and started the water.

After a good refreshing scrub she walked into the bedroom toweling her hair and something on the tube caught her attention. A few laughs later she strolled to the closet to pick out clothes for the day.

While getting dressed she watched another episode of timeless TV and then after one quick look in the mirror and pleased with her effort she grabbed a go cup and a half of a bagel then headed for the elevator and off to work.

What Spencer didn't know that waiting for her when she got to the campus was an influx of would be filmographers.

Somehow word had gotten out that she and her crew were looking for interns and although there was not that many needed and what they really needed were grunts; that was part of the process for film students.

As she walked up to the film school office she saw a crowd around the door and wondered what was going on. She asked one of the students what the fuss was and he responded by saying that some big shot director was hiring for a picture.

Some of these kids were theatre majors and Spencer had a feeling that a rumor got started at her expense.

She stepped back a little ways and called her friend at the front desk and told her she was here but didn't want to try and break through the crowd.

Her friend informed her that the office was clear and that she could come in the back way. After making an about face and heading to the rear of the building Spencer's phone rang.

"Hello my baby, hello my darlin' hello, hello my good time girl"

Corny ring tone, right?

"Hey Ash, what's up?"

"I wanted to ask you something, are you too busy to talk?"

"Not yet. I'm on my way to the office for my paperwork."

"Well while I was getting ready this morning I was flipping channels and it was the same old crap: news, shopping, reruns, shopping, gossip, shopping, well you get my drift…"

"Wait a minute; I thought you and Kyla liked all that shopping junk." Spencer said

"No, that was something we did together to piss off my Mother. Back to my point, I was watching the Wedding Episode of I dream of Jeannie and she was walking down the aisle making cameras explode and I thought: how cool would that be" she said laughing

"It's just a show Ashley"

"I know but then The Beverly Hillbilly's came on and Jethro was a double naught spy and it got me to thinking; don't you have one of those James Bond labs at the college that's always coming up with gizmos like that?" she asked

Spencer wasn't sure how serious Ashley was about this or where she was going with it but it was all she could do not to burst out laughing.

"Come on Spence, way back in the sixties they could make oil slicks and ejector seats and you should have seen how far Granny flew. Surely they have something that can interfere with a camera."

Spencer couldn't hold it any longer. She told Ashley to hold on while she had a laughing fit.

"Only you would think of something like that. I will go to the tech class and talk to one of the geeks there and see what's up in that way. No promises but this could be fun."

tbc


	5. Chapter 5

**Her Saving Grace**

_Ashley was standing in the middle of a bridge. As she stood there looking out over the_

_rail, a jumble of thoughts went through her mind._

_She took a calming breath and looked to her left. What she saw on that side of the shore was a young girl lying on a bed alone. She had a sort of blank look on her face but if you were to take a closer look you would have she wasn't blank but broken._

_Ashley can honestly look back and say that she was that girl at one time. She knew that_

_look and she definitely knew that feeling. But she 't felt that in a long time._

_When she looked to the other side she saw a blonde and a brunette._

_Spencer and Kyla._

_Kyla was her sister and she would love her forever._

_Spencer was her girlfriend and her forever love._

_They all met in high school and let just say it was a learning experience._

_Kyla learned her father had died and she had a sister._

_Spencer learned she was gay._

_Ashley finally learned how to trust._

_These two at least and that didn't come easy._

_Life had taught each of them some harsh lessons but they had weathered the storm and were stronger knowing that they had each other to count on._

_She looked to the left one more time and waved good bye to the broken girl. Her family was calling and she walked the other way._

_That was her amazing saving Grace._

_"Ashley"_

"Ashley, where did you go?"

"Oh I'm sorry Tess, I was in severe rememberation mode there for a minute, not to worry. Now where were we?" She said as she picked up her calendar.

"There is an artist booked at Diego's this Thursday that you might want to go hear if you can."

"Male or female"

"Female"

"Gay or straight?"

"Don't know"

"How old?"

"Eighteen."

"Type of music?"

"Balladeer"

"Is there anyone else on the bill that night?"

"It's no name night. They are short on reservations and are hoping for a walk in crowd."

"So they probably got these people on the cheap and if no one shows they are not out any money" Ashley said.

Tess let out a sigh and said "Yeah, but you know how many people are lined up waiting for that spot thinking that will be the discovery point. It's too bad there aren't more people like you in this business that actually gave a crap about the artists."

"Kyla taught me a very valuable lesson about some thing just like that. She realized she couldn't save all the homeless people but she could help and do her part and leave the rest up to the powers that be." Ashley said thoughtfully.

"What is this girl's time slot?"

"She goes on at ten o'clock"

"That's not bad for a Thursday. Do we have anything to hear beforehand or is this word of mouth."

"I have a cd here. I know this is short notice but this came in after the meeting and everyone else was busy and nobody knew if you were available or not."

"Okay Tess, leave it on the desk and check back with me later on that. What else needs my undivided attention?"

"Well for once everyone is where they should be. If it were any better I would think we were in the wrong place, but believe it or not we have had a smooth week. So far. I don't want to jinx any thing"

"That's good news Tess. Mark this day on your calendar for being drama free."

Of course having said that the phone rings and they just look at each other with an I don't believe it expression.

"Should we answer that?" Ashley asked with a grin.

"It might be important" Tess said

"Hello, may I help you?" Ashley said in a squeaky voice

"This is Johnny over at TmZ for Ashley Davies"

"Please to hold please." Ashley rolled her eyes and told Tess who it was.

Tess picked up the phone "May I help you?" she said in her best nasal tone

"This is John at TMZ and…."

"John who?"

"What?"

"You said this was John and I said John who. Don't you know who you are John?" Tess said never breaking character. "Are you John Doe or Dear John or Johnny on the Spot? You're not THE John are you? How does it feel to be known as the Porcelain God one minute and then crapped in the next?"

"Wait a minute!" said the exasperated John.

"Oh I know, you are that blond haired hottie that Serena just goes on and on about. You know she thinks those pink tips in your hair are just to die for but why would someone from The Movie Zone be calling for Ashley? She doesn't rent movies; her home theatre is well stocked. No matter, Ashley isn't here so you'll just have to leave a message. And if you are having a Grand Opening and want a personal appearance you have to go through the booking agent and last I heard they weren't on speaking terms because of some screw up in Idaho" Tess said

Ashley had her hand to her mouth and walked towards the door. She knew that Tess would talk shit to this guy until she got tired of it and on a good day she could string him along for a good while. When she got to the door she burst out laughing.

Tess was a true life drama queen, being that she was one of the best stage actresses in Los Angeles. Her true calling was Improv and her good standing enabled her to pursue an indulgence in comedic endeavors. She had met Kyla at the University drama class a few years ago and it was Ashley's good fortune to have met her when she was starting out in her new business because her organizational skills were matched by few.

Ashley came back to the office bringing a bottle of water for her friend who was still on the phone.

"Oh, that TMZ. Now I get it. I have seen that a few times. Which one are you? Are you the long haired goob or the fat guy with the beard? Okay you are not seen. Oh you are an AD. How does it smell in there? I mean those people have greasy hair and wrinkled clothes, do they ever bathe?" Tess twanged "I do declare how time flies, did you want to leave a message?"

"Unh never mind I'll try back."

Tess made a show of pushing the end button.

"Sorry about that Ash, I didn't find out what he wanted. I hope that doesn't come back on you."

"No problem there Tess, But one of these days you'll have to teach me that trick of telling someone to fuck off so nicely. I have a little bit of correspondence and a couple of calls to make while I listen to that cd. And as you well know it's Spaghetti Night at the loft and you are welcome to come. Spencer is bringing some gadgets home from the film lab so it should be interesting." Ashley said settling back into her high back chair.

"Sound like fun. Same time as always?"

"Same bat channel."

Dear Ashley D.

Thank you for your interest. Here is a short preview of some topics that

will be blogging up soon. Any thoughts or comments would be appreciated.

Does America have Idolized talent?

Do you think you could survive the real world?

Ever been tempted on an Island?

Do the stars really think they can dance?

Have you ever had a reality where nothing was real?

If Brooke knows best, what does she know?

We will answer these questions and many more in the following weeks but first we have breaking news!

Paris Hilton has a new BFF.

That's right folks. Paris has the Best Fucking Friend money can buy. There is nothing she won't do for her bff.

She texts for her.

She twitters for her.

She carries her little dog for her.

She is tweaking her twittering twat.

Now that's hot!

Speaking of Twitter, now that I have your attention, that oh so popular website had to close down for a while because it was getting overloaded somehow.

It was said that a hacker got in and made up fake tweets and swamped the site with all kinds of false stuff.

When it came back on line lots of people were pissed because the fake stuff was gone and it was back to the same old boring stuff that was already there.

If this sounds like a Snapple commercial that was not intended, we just wanted to point out the lameness of a tweet and that their stuff sucks.

Hope to keep your interest,

Always your Road Whore

Tbc

**Here is to my traveling little corporal.**

**You have company on the review board!**

**But you will always be my first.**

**Cyberbaby likes the New York Rimes.**

**Thank you.**

**Louisabradford wants to go along for the ride**

**Buckle up. Check**

**And to all of you who just read, thank you too.**


	6. Chapter 6

**The Plot Thickens …. And so does the Sauce**

Ashley was standing at the stove stirring the spaghetti sauce when she felt arms encircle her waist and a soft kiss on her neck.

"I know that look Ash, where are you?" Spencer asked as she leaned her head on Ashley's shoulder in a comfortable embrace.

"I was remembering a time long ago in a galaxy far away…" and she ducked as Spencer threw a mock punch at her. "I was thinking back when I would have never thought I would be standing here cooking for a bunch of people much less knowing how to cook at all. Do you remember that rainy day?"

"I do indeed Miss Davies. What could have been a nasty fight turned out pretty good I think" Spencer said with her now infamous head tilt.

**6 years ago**

_"Looks like take out again" Ashley_ said

_"Ash you know good and well the pie man won't deliver in weather like this and my eyes are getting slanted from eating so much Chinese food." Kyla said "Have you talked to your girlfriend this afternoon?"_

_"I tried calling her just a little while ago because she was riding home with one of the camera nerds; I hope they are being careful out there it's been a while since we've had rain like this." Ashley said with a look of concern on her face. "All I got was voice mail."_

_As Ashley was finishing her last sentence the burst open and a soaking wet Spencer walked in the door._

_"Speak of the devil" Kyla said_

_"Wait right there Spence and I will get you a towel"_

_"Thanks Ash. I think that is the hardest I have ever seen it rain since we moved here" Spencer said catching the towel Ashley tossed her. "The covered parking is flooded so I got dropped off out front to answer your question of why I am so wet."_

_"Now that you are home Spence we need to decide about food for the night and pizza and Chinese are not an option."_

_"I am not going back out in that monsoon so unless we have something here to make we might just go hungry." Spencer said heading toward the bedroom_

_Ash looked at Kyla and Kyla gave her a don't look at me look and other than drinks in the fridge they had no clue what there was for sustenance._

_About twenty minutes later Spencer walked into the kitchen area of the loft to see Kyla and Ashley and a bunch of stuff set out on the counter._

_"Are we taking inventory?" Spencer asked_

_"There doesn't seem to be much to take" Kyla said with a sad look on her face._

_There was an assortment of things such as pancake mix, pop tarts, pork and beans, soda, beer, cereal and some trail mix._

_"This is pathetic" Spencer said, "Who was the last one to go shopping?"_

_"Well Spence I don't know about shopping but your Dad was the last one to actually cook here" Kyla said_

_"We have to start taking care of these things ourselves you know, as awesome as it is hanging with you two rich girls I have to face the reality that I am still a poor college student and I can't afford a lot of this lifestyle. Kyla, you are amazing with what you are doing at the shelters and my Dad is beside himself with all the people you have been able to send his way for help but when you aren't there you're with Aiden._

_My schedule is so messed up right now because I had to take an extra class to get into my major on time that I can't go out like I want to and I feel like I'm neglecting everybody because all I do is study and sleep. Ash you don't have a full time job but you are always busy with something whether its writing or helping at the studio, which is really nice by the way and I'm somehow rambling on so I'll shut up now" Spencer said as she realized that the sisters were just staring at her._

_"What are you getting at Spence? Are we having a moment here?" Ashley said with a smirk on her face_

_"Ashley if you laugh at me you are toast. That goes for you too Kyla. Oh, but we can't have no bread in the house. All I am saying is; we have to do better than this as in us three. Think about it. We are no better than those homeless people down at the shelter. Hey what's on the menu? Pop tarts and beans. But they don't have the option of take out like we do. We have a fully stocked bar and technically none of us are old enough to drink. Lots of booze and no food. Kyla, did you live like this before you came here?"_

_"No Spencer, it was just me and my mom. She took care of all the shopping and she wasn't going to waste money on a bunch of stuff we didn't like"_

_"What about you Ashley? There was always plenty at the mansion" Spencer said_

_"Christine had the help do it. I always made sure to put my order in. I guess she quit trying to be a mom in between hubby number two and three. My Dad was always a hard act to follow. Number 2 was actually a nice guy. Number 3 was a perv. I let them know right up front where they stood with me and that was at the back of the line. You see the thing is that Christine has never stopped being a rock star's wife, it doesn't matter who she is with." Ashley said "Who shops at your house Spence?"_

_"Mom and Dad take turns or go together. When we lived in Ohio her schedule wasn't so crazy and they were home nearly every night so we always ate together. Nothings been quite the same since Clay died. But we've all changed after that. Ash you are always hanging around in the kitchen with my dad when you come over, Have you learned any good tips?"_

_"Yeah Spence, I learned that that's the place to go to avoid your brother and Paula doesn't seem to hang out there as much either." She said_

_"Very funny" Spencer said as Ashley stuck her tongue out at her_

_"Okay Miss Smarty, here is something that I learned from your Dad. He told me that if I could read and had a little patience I could cook. I told him that's why I would never be a doctor because I had no patients! Drum roll, BADABING!_

_No but seriously folks, that's what he said. He had time to experiment with recipes and you guys were pretty much a captive audience. Kyla did you learn how to cook from your mom?" Ashley asked_

_"You know what it has been a while but I make the best burgers. The onions and cheese are mixed into the patties and then you fry your own hand cut potatoes. MMMM I am getting hungry thinking about that." She said licking her lips_

_"Don't tell Aiden that, he'll have you slaving over a hot fryer"_

_Spencer said_

_"I wouldn't waste something that good on just him. It's better when you make a bunch of them. That's what we used to do on Saturdays before going out. What about you Spencer, surely you've learned something over the years having a culinary genius in the house." Kyla asked_

_"Two words._

_Shake and Bake._

_Mashed potatoes._

_Mac and Cheese. And before you say any thing I know that's three but not if you use the little "&" thingy so there. When I was little my mom used to fill the bag with crumbs and chicken and then she would tell me to shake it up so I would do this little dance around the kitchen while I was shaking the bag. I can tell you just how much butter and milk to put in a pot of hot potatoes and mash em up just right, and don't even get me started on the Mac & cheese." She said laughing_

_KAABOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!_

_Everyone jumped when the thunder rattled the windows._

_"Man that storm is getting worse." Kyla said "I'm glad we're all safe and sound here."_

_"Where's Aiden tonight Kyla?" Spencer asked_

_"He stayed in to write a paper for one of his classes and I hope he does just that." She answered_

_"Okay, back to what we were talking about. Your dad told me once about classes you can take that teaches not only about how to cook but how to plan menus and stuff like that. I was thinking that since I had nothing better to do that might come in handy. If I bomb on the cooking part I can always plan the nutrition." Ashley said_

_"Ashley, don't take that attitude" Kyla said "Anything you do is better than nothing."_

_"That's right Ash, one day you will be glad you had the time to something like this. Besides, after you learn all those neat tricks, you can teach us." Spencer agreed_

_"Okay, I will take that class and learn to cook. And you will be my unwilling subjects. But I will only do this if Spencer takes the self defense course at the college. That's not a bad combination if you ask me; a tough girl and a good cook." Ashley said laughing._

_The smile left her face when thunder boomed again and at the same time Spencer said:_

_"WHAT?" in a menacing tone_

_"Why does everyone think I am some fragile little girl that needs protecting?" Spencer said "I am getting sick and tired of every one thinking I am helpless."_

_Thunder saved the day._

_BOOM!!!BOOOOM!!!!_

_Out go the lights!_

_There was silence in the room but it was dark and they couldn't see each other._

_After a couple of tense moments waiting for the lights to come back on and they didn't some one said:_

_"MARCO"_

_There were giggles._

_"Polo"_

_"Polo"_

_"ALLrighty then, whip out a cell phone for some light and lets see if we can find some candles" Spencer said. "I left mine in the bed room"_

_Having found some candles and lighting them they stood in the kitchen trying to figure out what to do next._

_"Well we have pancakes but no power." Spencer said_

_"We have cereal and no milk." Added Kyla_

_"That leaves us with pop tarts and beans" Ashley said. "Pork chops and apple sauce, pop tarts and beans, I might be on to something there." She said more to herself than to any one who might be listening._

_"Well I for one don't want to waste this candlelight" Spencer said. "Kyla, you might want to leave the room because I feel a Silence of the Lambs moment coming on."_

_"What do you mean by that?" she asked_

_Ashley had a knowing look on her face and didn't say a word._

_"I'm not Hannibal, I'm Cannibal. I'm Cannibal Carlin and I think I'm fixin' to eat my girl friend." She said looking Ashley right in the eye._

_All they heard was foot steps beating a fast retreat and a loud:_

_EEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!_

_And the rest was definitely worth remembering._

**_Meanwhile back in the kitchen Present_ Day**

Ashley was back at the stove stirring her sauce and she gladly received a kiss on the neck.

"I just love it when you simmer" Spencer said "And then you come up to boil again and…."

"Hush! You start talking like that now and we'll never get through dinner." Ashley said "And you know your Dad never misses Spaghetti Night unless he is out of town."

"My Dad never misses any night where the food is good and he doesn't have to cook, but my mom has the middle shift at the hospital tonight so she gets a go box." Spencer said as she opened her mouth to take a taste that Ashley was offering on spoon.

"MMMMMM. Ash that gets better every time you make it." She said

"Spence do you mind taking the plates out? Kyla has done all of the silverware and glasses. Thank you."

Spencer went to the dining area and laid the plates out. When she was done she went in to the living room where Kyla was in a conversation with Tess and another person she wasn't acquainted with.

Playing hostess was nothing new even though Kyla was as much or more so she was always willing to please her guests.

"Tess, its good to see you, how have you been?" She asked

"I'm good Spencer, you are looking well tonight. This is my friend Frankie. She is on her way to Hawaii to meet her husband but has graced us with her presence in L.A. for a few days before heading out to paradise."

Pleasantries were exchanged and more guests arrived. Kyla and Spencer fetched drinks and brought out munchies. The gathering was in full swing when Paula and Arthur arrived.

"Hi Mom, hi Dad I'm glad you could make it tonight" Spencer said

Paula gave her a hug and Arthur kissed her on the forehead as Kyla knowing what to get them handed them drinks and ushered them in.

Ashley came into the room and made her rounds and as usual ended up by her girlfriend's side. Letting her know everything was ready she gave Kyla the thumbs up that was her signal to get dinner started.

"Okay everyone, I hope everyone is ready to eat and brought your appetite. If this is your first time here it's all pretty informal, just fall in by someone you know and go with the flow. When we are all seated Mr. Carlin will say Grace and then Ashley has an announcement that I think you will all find humorous. So thanks for coming and let's eat!" Kyla said with a flourish

The food was set up buffet style and wound through the kitchen to the dining room where there was ample space for all who were there.

When all were served and grace was said Ashley stood up to address the people seated.

"Like Kyla said before I want to also thank you all for being here. We feel really lucky to able to be able to do this and of course it's all for a good cause, your full belly. Ha-Ha. Just kidding. Tonight is the first official meeting of the He Person Paparazzi Hating Club.

We will talk after desert and Spencer has some cool gadgets so enjoy!

**Well that's all for now. I will try to be a little quicker on the up dates. My everlasting thanks to corporal punishment for her support and gracing us with her own awesome story. I would also like to welcome sammy-whammy who subscribed last week. Thank you. And to everyone else who has tuned in I hope you enjoyed this little blurb.**


	7. Chapter 7

**A Drunk, A Punk and a Family in a Funk**

**Please Don't Bury Me  
**_**©John Prine**_

Woke up this morning  
Put on my slippers  
Walked in the kitchen and died  
And oh what a feeling!  
When my soul  
Went thru the ceiling  
And on up into heaven I did ride  
When I got there they did say  
John, it happened this way  
You slipped upon the floor  
And hit your head  
And all the angels say  
Just before you passed away  
These were the very last words  
That you said:

Chorus:  
Please don't bury me  
Down in that cold cold ground  
No, I'd druther have "em" cut me up  
And pass me all around  
Throw my brain in a hurricane  
And the blind can have my eyes  
And the deaf can take both of my ears  
If they don't mind the size  
Give my stomach to Milwaukee  
If they run out of beer  
Put my socks in a cedar box  
Just get "em" out of here  
Venus de Milo can have my arms  
Look out! I've got your nose  
Sell my heart to the junkman  
And give my love to Rose

Repeat Chorus

Give my feet to the footloose  
Careless, fancy free  
Give my knees to the needy  
Don't pull that stuff on me  
Hand me down my walking cane  
It's a sin to tell a lie  
Send my mouth way down south  
And kiss my ass goodbye

**Kyla's POV**

When dinner was over and the last to leave were Spencer's mom and dad the last thing they said was: This sounds like fun but don't get arrested.

Famous words? Famous last words? Words that mean be careful because these assholes who you want to mess with think they can get away with anything and at the drop of a hat scurry for a lawyer.

That's right I said scurry. Run is too nice a word for the low life scum that prey on the lives and careers of people in the entertainment world.

My father who I never knew was one of the few people that had an answer for every idiotic question these people would spew out.

He was definitely in a league of his own when it came to give and take in an interview. After twenty-five years of fame and fortune he was still at the top of his game which put him in a small category of legendary rockers who after all that time still cared for the music and actually was creative instead of living off his past.

His death brought me to Las Angeles. His death brought me to my sister who hated my guts. Her Mother hated me even more because of the inheritance I was included in.

Ashley doesn't hate me anymore. Christine doesn't matter anymore.

It was hard for Ashley to accept her father's death and to accept me at the same time. I can understand that. No one seemed to care about my feelings at the time but her friends who are now my friends accepted my existence and tried to make life bearable for me. Ashley and I were actually on the road to becoming something more than enemies when the VH-1 crew showed up. These guys were legitimate but that was strike one in my book.

Enter Jake the Mistake. I was an It Girl for a short while. A real CyberBabe. I got chewed up and spit out fast. Ashley has the musical talent. I have common sense and some real savvy to not make the same mistake twice. Strike two.

I was in a totally alien environment where my eyes never had a chance to focus. I found out the hard way. Ash even tried to warn me. Drugs and alcohol weren't mixing very well for me. I couldn't believe how naïve I was. Once my eyes were open I didn't like what I saw and I did something about it.

Jake never saw what hit him. He fucked with the wrong sisters. Sure, it wasn't an instant bond but bond we did. Once we realized we were all we had we decided to get to know each other.

Once we got over the initial shock of thinking that we might actually be able to like each other and be civil a funny thing happened. One stormy night we formed a bond.

_Spencer had been asleep for a little while after the power had come back on, thank God for little favors. Don't get me wrong I love candlelight but not when it is forced on me. I had gotten up to get something to drink and Ashley was leaning against the fridge with a thoughtful look on her face._

_"Hey Kyla" she said softly_

_"Hey Ash, Spencer sleeping?" she answered_

_"Yeah, she's out. Look, I need to ask you something and if you don't want to answer or just want me to fuck off I'll understand, but after all that I said to you after you got here, why did you stay?" Ashley said looking down._

_Kyla walked over and stood next to Ashley. As they stood next to each other Kyla linked their arms together and held her hand._

_"Ashley, I never got to know our father. I want to get to know you better and I really want you to tell me about him' she said sincerely "I will always be your sister. I just want you to know I will always be here for you."_

_Ashley did a half turn and took her sister in her arms and gave her a hug._

_"Thanks Kyla, that means a lot."_

Now to this latest scheme of Ashley's.

Sometimes when you grab the bull by the horns you get tossed off and dust yourself off for another round. Sometimes the bull won't even know it got grabbed.

I have to hand it to my sister this time because she is not jumping in blind here. She is going to not only embarrass and make these people look stupid which is not much of a stretch, but will have a record of it that is not tainted by her victims.

She started to get a little carried away toward the end of the evening though. She said she was out pap the paparazzi and put the horns on Perez. What a concept. Then she started blabbering about horses and corporals and I got involved with cleanup detail so I'll have to ask about that later but this sounds like a lot of fun.

Aiden has an early day tomorrow and I don't, so I think I will catch up on some correspondence and surf a little bit.

**A New York Rimes Update**

Thousands of people die everyday. Some are famous, some are not.

Edward M. Kennedy died recently. He was often referred to as the Lion of the Senate.

When asked what they meant by that, some said that during his 48 years as a politician he spent most of them ROARING DRUNK.

Practical Jokers About

Ashton Kucher has elevated the practical joke to new levels. Ed McMahon who passed away recently passed the torch to a new generation of jolly jokers. When he and Dick Clark did their show there was an air of innocence knowing that in the end everyone would get a good laugh. Nowadays you just get punked. But it's still funny.

The best Daddy in the world

Little did Michael Jackson's kids know that the well known phrase practiced since they were little would come at his funeral?

Sporting a new hat and a big shiny earring, Joe Jackson was spouting out about how someone was going to pay for all this. Someone whispered something in his ear and he changed his tune. Seems that the estate is worth more now that the star is dead.

Michael's mother was heard muttering something about not knowing nothing about raising no white babies. We all know that the surrogate mom was white but now we learn that the surrogate father was white also. Do you think he had a hand on that?

And last but not least, does anyone remember in The Wizard of Oz when the flying monkeys attacked Dorothy and her crew? They carried her off to the witch's castle and left the others scattered about. The scarecrow had parts of him everywhere. He said: my legs are over there, and my stomach is over there and the Tin Man said that's you all over!

Do you think that's how Michael felt after his autopsy? Do you think he is moon walking around wherever he is singing If I only had a brain? No disrespect intended here, but if someone had done a little better thinking this all could have been avoided.

So YabaDaBaDoo the King is Gone and so are You.

Good night everybody!

**A/N: Hope you liked that little rant. Okay, it's apology time. There is a person in Greece who was kind enough to put this story on their list. I accidentally deleted your e-mail before I got a chance to respond. Sorrrrry. If you will be so kind as to leave it in a review or e-mail I will give you the proper thanks you deserve. As for everyone else, thank you.**

tbc


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